'Tis the season for change and what I want to change I can't.
New years is around the corner and it's usually the time when people make their resolutions. I already have some of mine in mind. I want to do better in school, stop skipping class, be a healthier person and figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I probably won't do any of this but it's good to always try.
Unfortunately, that's just not all I want to change. What I want to change has nothing to do with who I am or my personality, the thing I want to change is what I am...I know it sounds shallow and stupid, but it's time to come out with how I feel. I'm not sure if anyone of you has been in this situation before, if you haven't you probably don't understand where I'm coming from and you'd probably give me some pep talk about how I should love myself. But I do love who I am, thats where this all gets confusing. The thing that I hate is my race. Go ahead call me a racist I don't care, I just feel strongly about this and I understand if you don't agree. But to me my race doesn't make me as a person, yes it makes me genetically speaking, either than that what ever.
My whole life I've grown up as the different one, I'm of asian decent and from nursery school untill I was in grade 5 I was the only oriental girl in my class. I always felt ugly, because I didn't fit in and the other kids would exclude me. I always longed to be green eyed and fair skined, the stupid part about this all is that I was so naive, I actually thought that when I got older that's what I'd look like. Sadly for that naive little girl that was the farthest thing from the truth.
Eventually I grew up and moved schools, I started to meet people who were similar to me. I started to feel less different, but not fully accepted. I slowly became okay with who I am, I was simply me an original. Then one day I walked into the real world and was labeled...ugh I hate to say this and I hate to admit this but...I was labeled as a Filipino. Truthfully, I had no clue what that was when I was growing up, I wasn't even aware that I was one. Then suddenly I'm grouped will all of them. I'm judged for what race I am, I hate that.
Filipinos don't have the best reputation and I understand why from first hand experience. If I was an outsider at school I had no clue what I was to the filipino community. My parents used to drag me to these events with mostly filipino people and I had to go with the kids. It was HORRIBLE, the group for kids was called kfc, it took my parents divorce to quit bringing me there. I swear I always begged not to go and whenever we were there I'd ask my mom "can we leave yet" every five minutes. The kids would always ignore me, and then I was also forced to join a cultural dance group. I was then again outted there, hardly any of the kids would talk to me. I always stuck with my sister because all the other kids were snobs.
Anyways what this story has to do with anything is how my non-filipino friends view filipino's and it's not based on me, but on other experiences from people of the same ethnicity. In the city that I live in there are so many Filipino people. It's like every where you go there they are, and the horrible part is how they stick together so much and out everyone else. I'll admit I had a short stint as one of these people, but it was more general, I just hung out with coloured people. I know it seems very racist, but my best friend's up untill grade 10 have been irish and polish, but one day that just all changed I started hanging out with "brown" people. I know I sound like a bigot, but to understand me you have to understand where I'm coming from. So for a year and a half I mainly just hung out with brown people, all sorts of brown people: filipinos, viets, latina's, paki's, japs, ethiopians, etc. I felt like I belonged, then I decided I needed a change, so I ventured out to a bigger school and it opened my eyes to the world. It made me see how people of "my ethnicity" are viewed, I found out that I wasn't the only one who didn't like them... I met people with similar stories to mine and they all told me "You're different from any other Filipino I've ever met, you're actually very nice." Thats when it hit me and I realized I was being judged. I know I'm a self racist, and this is going to make it so much more worse, but for a long while I tried to hide my ethnicity. I didn't tell people that I was filipino, I tried not too, I tired to avoid the question "What are you?". But when I was asked I'd tell people that I'm part Chinese, a little bit japanese, and some where down the line spanish. Which is all true, but overall I'm, filipino and I know I've used the word hate a lot in this blog entry, but this hate is the most important, I hate that I'm ashamed. I hate how there's nothing good to say about it. I've been to the Phillippines, it's not that great, while I was there I seemed to be allergic to the whole place. I really really didn't like it, I got a huge heat rash, I was allergic to the mosquito bites, I swear there was enough carbon monoxide in the air to kill me and it was just really dirty. But the people there were nice, but when they immiragte into another country they seem to change. They grow an ego, like the ones where I live. They all stick together, they seem to think they're better than everyone else, they have to much pride and they seem to feed this pride off each other. But what are they so proud about?
Thats all I have to say for now and I'm sorry if I've offended any of you, I just has to let that out of my system, because it was brought up today when my friend was like to me "But you're one" I'm sorry but I DON'T want to be "one" i want to be ME!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
My ISFJ is going to come out here, but all i can feel is sympathy for you :(
I have SO MUCH filipino friends, I think they even overweigh my white friends. But I know that every single one of them is proud, and they're all like 'FLiP LOVE' or whatever. Then they would label me as "one of them" too [white], but i don't know, i guess it hasn't really affected me much until i read your blog post.
people would always be like 'OH YOU'RE ITALIAN, YOU MUST BE A REALLY GOOD COOK!' or stupid ones like 'ARE YOU IN THE MOB?!' most of the time i would joke around [depends who i'm with] but other times i'd be like '...no'
..i really wish i could help make you feel better haha but sadly i am at a loss for words right now!
just be who you want to be; don't let labels or past traditions get in the way of who you TRULY ARE. even if some other people might impose on you still, just ignore them. be who you want to be; fuck the others. just do your thing, live the way you want to.
um.
i'm filippino(japanese too, but not the point).
so reading this post made me kind of... angry.
but don't get me wrong, i think like you do.
i do look more japanese, but still..
it's a nationality all its own. and i hate there are people who consider it a label.
hm.i've never met that many tan-ish asians. like myself, i mostly know more on the pale side.
just saying.
but i can understand not liking the complexion of your skin, and it's not racist.. it's just something you want different about yourself. everyone wants to change.
I know i sound a little ehh... but yeah i guess its just because of my experiences and what its lke in my town. i m not dissing or rejecting all filipinos its just the ones that i've been around i guess. maybe if i was raised a little diferently i wouldnt feel this way... :P
Hmm. I keep getting the feeling that my comments aren't going through; sorry if you get this like 8 times.
It's totally justified for you to be upset about getting grouped with those who have caused other people to look at you more negatively. I can't relate to being a different race (although I do have to throw in here that I think the Asian race is a very beautiful one), but I can relate to getting pre-judged. It's like, this is America and we call it a Christian nation and apart from that we say we accept everyone as they are, but as soon as people find out you are actually a Christian, they assume you are going to judge them and find reasons to criticize them. That kills me because my faith is about love and acceptance, and what people see it as is so completely backwards. So I am not in any way saying that I've been through what you've been through, but I do think that we all go up against prejudice in our lives, and it's really admirable that you're handling it in a way that shows people you are not who they expect you to be, even if it takes a little time for them to realize it.
I hope this wasn't too much of a "pep talk" for you. ^_^
Awh thanks :), I'm christian too and I know what you're talking about. All my life I've been in a private christian school, except for this year and now I see how people see christians. It bothers me that sometimes people think that religious people are crazy and think everything is bad. but thats just because they don't know much about it.
Post a Comment