It's easier to tell the truth to people you don't know

Insomnic, tired, and yet my thoughts keep me awake. 

This has become a daily routine and it doesn’t get any better each night. If I could sleep when I wanted to maybe I would hate myself less, because then sleep wouldn’t allow my secret hatred for myself consume me at night.


I hardly ever let anyone into my secret thoughts and into this hidden place where I show who I really am. In all honesty I put on different facades for everyone. I have one for my friends, the people I work with, strangers I meet for the first time and even my family. No one truly knows how events really affect me and how small acts of unkindness truly rock my soul.

My friends who know me may see me as judgemental and shallow, but what they don’t know is that there’s more to me than just that. I’m the type of person who likes and feels for anyone I’ve ever talked to. Although someone may seem harsh and horrible at first if I see a glimmer of kindness in them I’m able to justify all their negativity.


I know this might not make sense but I have so much love and compassion in my heart I don’t want to really let anyone in, because it would be so easy to hurt or take advantage of me. That’s why I numb myself and I tend to tune most of the world out. But the people I do let in I don’t let them fully see who I really am. I don’t let them know when they’ve hurt me and I pretend I’m okay. Usually I am, but when night time hits I always have this immense self loathing. Maybe it’s a correlation to not letting my feelings hurt me during the day when I’m around people and can place the blame on them for how shitty I feel. Instead I bottle it up, then at night it overwhelms me and takes over the person I thought I am, the person I thought I liked. Then I realize how much I hate myself and I just want to hide so I don’t have to feel the hate.
In the wee hours of the morning I finally fall asleep and I sleep for a long time, letting myself hide from the hateful world for as long as possible. Then when I wake up I’m fine and I enjoy my day, until the vicious cycle again at night. 





**ps. I feel stupid about former posts and want to delete them. but it's a chronicle of my life so they'll stay (just know I've changed)