It's easier to tell the truth to people you don't know

Insomnic, tired, and yet my thoughts keep me awake. 

This has become a daily routine and it doesn’t get any better each night. If I could sleep when I wanted to maybe I would hate myself less, because then sleep wouldn’t allow my secret hatred for myself consume me at night.


I hardly ever let anyone into my secret thoughts and into this hidden place where I show who I really am. In all honesty I put on different facades for everyone. I have one for my friends, the people I work with, strangers I meet for the first time and even my family. No one truly knows how events really affect me and how small acts of unkindness truly rock my soul.

My friends who know me may see me as judgemental and shallow, but what they don’t know is that there’s more to me than just that. I’m the type of person who likes and feels for anyone I’ve ever talked to. Although someone may seem harsh and horrible at first if I see a glimmer of kindness in them I’m able to justify all their negativity.


I know this might not make sense but I have so much love and compassion in my heart I don’t want to really let anyone in, because it would be so easy to hurt or take advantage of me. That’s why I numb myself and I tend to tune most of the world out. But the people I do let in I don’t let them fully see who I really am. I don’t let them know when they’ve hurt me and I pretend I’m okay. Usually I am, but when night time hits I always have this immense self loathing. Maybe it’s a correlation to not letting my feelings hurt me during the day when I’m around people and can place the blame on them for how shitty I feel. Instead I bottle it up, then at night it overwhelms me and takes over the person I thought I am, the person I thought I liked. Then I realize how much I hate myself and I just want to hide so I don’t have to feel the hate.
In the wee hours of the morning I finally fall asleep and I sleep for a long time, letting myself hide from the hateful world for as long as possible. Then when I wake up I’m fine and I enjoy my day, until the vicious cycle again at night. 





**ps. I feel stupid about former posts and want to delete them. but it's a chronicle of my life so they'll stay (just know I've changed)

Stupidity

I know I must be the biggest tool in the world, but I can't help it.
He's currently in the process of choosing between the two of us, but to me there's no question that I should be with him. The stupid part of this all is that I didn't want him when he chased me for 3 weeks, but the only reason I like him now is because he's interested in another girl.
I'm just really frustrated with myself and with him and UGH. This is probably the stupidest post, with the most obvious solution.

alien.

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. I guess thats what moving to a competely unfamiliar city does to you. In the end my choices for university would be to be overwhelmed or extremely under whelmed.
In this moment right now my lungs feel crushed and its hard to breathe. I want to scream, I just want to let the stress out. I'm bound to go nuts. I sort of want to cry like a baby.
Anyways its not that i'm having a bad time, its been pretty awesome. Its just that i feel lost.

New Beginnings

I've moved to a new city and will be starting university shortly. My family left me this morning and it's a little bit lonely. I'm currently just listening to music that reminds me of old times, all this time just past by and at the moment I didn't want it, but now I wish I could live 3-4 years ago. I let you get away, I let stupidity rule me, I left a bunch of friends, I saw who was really there for me and everything just changed.
I just hope that this was the right decision for me, to move all the way out here. God please prove this to be what was meant for me.

I know, you don't have to say anything.

I'm finally acknowledging the pink elephant and putting it to rest. This is to get over you and now it's done.

I've realized that to me you'll always be the one that got away. It's been 2 years, but you still come to mind every now and then. Maybe if I had played my cards right things would have been differently, unfortunately I was stupid back then. I wish that I could have done things differently, but I don't regret any of it because without what transpired I wouldn't be where I am now. I do have to finally admit that you're the reason I left; I couldn't stand the thought of being stuck in a place going nowhere that reminded me of you, while you were out making a new start for yourself. It pushed me to go make a fresh start for myself as well and I want to thank you for that.
It took me awhile to stop trying to convince that I didn't have feelings for you, when in reality I loved you......or could have potentially loved you. I hated you to the point of love, I've seen all your ugliness and accepted it. I'm just sad that after all we went through together you have the audacity to pretend to forget. I hate how out of all the hearts you broke you didn't give mine closure like you did the rest. I know I said that it was a joke, but deep down we both know what it really was. I was your best girl friend and you even acknowledged that, but you couldn't give me a real good bye? Fine, it was my fault too... I guess it's just too late now. I know that I won't see you before I leave and this is the end for now. I just want to say that I hope you're happy where you are now and I also hope that you can truly say you're pleased with who you've become. Good bye.

The 90`s were AWESOME

After reaching the first milestone in my life I started to feel old. Yes, me a 17 year old girl feeling old. I cannot stress how fast time has gone by, that`s why I always mention it. To me I still feel like it`s 2008.
Speaking of 2008, does anyone else have stand out years (years that you constantly think it is although its not). For me 1997 and 2003 would be my stand out years. I felt like it was 1997 untill it hit me that it was 2003. Then to me it felt like it was 2003 untill it turned 2008...Yeah I`m Weird i know.
Anyways it finally hit me that I graduated and i got scared. Well i still am, but now I`m taking comfort in some of the things I loved as a child. Especially t.v. shows, because they really do help in bringing back the zeitgiest of the time. So recently Ì`ve been watching :
-wee sing videos (sillyville and grandpas magical toys)
-Rupert the bear
-arthur
-etc..
These shows really remind me of when I was a child. Ahah i remember how in love I was with the wee sing videos and watching the original barney and friends when he was super duper dark purple. It comforts me.
In all honesty I`m just terrified of next year, I don`t want it to come just yet. I feel ready, but I have a lot of ends to tie, so I want to finish that first. Time please be on my side for once and allow me to prepare for whats coming next.

The End of an Era.

This is it, it's officially over, 12 years of education and this is what it all sums up to. Years ago I would have been more than happy to have this moment here, to finally be done with the tedious work, but now that I'm actually graduated I feel like it just went by too fast.

I'm not saying that my school years were horrible, all in all I think that it was altogether pretty good. I think it was a good mixture of things, a bout of lonliness here, a couple years of popularity there, a heap of mean girl action, a dash of smart assery and a spice of awesome exchange students to mix it up a little.

Now that I reach this point all I can feel is gratitude after all my years of complaining. I used to want to go to public school, I thought it would be everything movies were made of. Popular cheerleaders, competitive sports, geeky band team etc...But I'm kind of happy my mom forced me into private education for my whole life. I'm especially happy with where I graduated from too, the collegiate was honestly the best school I've ever been to. It looked like hogwarts inside and out, it had halls named after people in harry potter (lockhart, riddell...)

Anyways I just wanted to say that although I do complain a lot, a part of me is going to miss this shitty city. I was born and raised here, so essentially this place will be part of my forever. It's who made me into the person I am and quiet frankly I like that.

In a few months I'll be shipped away to Ottawa to spend the next 4 years of my life doing who knows what. I'm really excited and happy to leave, but I'm sad at the same time, because it's an end of an era. Life after this will never be the same. Everyone's going their seperate paths, some to julliard, concordia others to queens and in all honestly our paths will probably never meet again. As melodramatic as I may sound, it's true, it's sad and it's a fact of life.

I guess it's good bye.

bye high school

bye juniour highand elementary

bye uw collegiate, st. maurice and st. emile

bye childhood, I guess I've finally realized I'm growing up.